10:05 p.m. 2005-02-26
What the fuck am I supposed to believe? You tell me that you would do anything for me, but yet you make me feel like I'm insignificant and don't matter. You're the stem of my insecurities...no, I'm not going to blame you entirely for it but your a big part of it. Do you like playing God? When I'm fucking gone, will you regret it or say that it's about time? You find weak parts in my facade and make cutting comments that you know will hurt me. EVERYONE around me.
All these thoughts keep circling my head like unwanted bits of nothing that I can't rip out of my skull and leave into nonexistent eternity where they can't return to haunt me. I laugh when I think that I let the shit you say and do bother me, because do you really matter in the scheme of things? Of course you do...
That's why I give a shit. That's why I try. That's why I keep trying even after my efforts are made light of and thrown up in my face as if it's a joke. As if I'm a joke. I'm so fucking angsty it's unbelievable. And it makes me sick. I make myself sick...isn't that sad? Deceiving myself into believing that you still really care and that this time it will be different, and we can have the same relationship we had when I was younger and you were the "perfect" idol. I truly believed that, and sometimes I get the same feeling I always have when I look at you. Admiration-respect-love- but look where it's gotten me? Shit out of fucking luck.
That's what you told me. And that's what I'll remember.
/ Design / Dland / Thanx
