The things I don't tell you are for your own Good
2:17 a.m. 2005-03-04

Ahh, sex!!

I am severely lacking in meaningful intimate relationships as of this point. Sure, I can get fucked anywhere I want, because girls don't seem to ever have a problem finding sex just (meaningful) sex is the problem.
- I have issues with just loving the physical aspect of sex, and it sometimes proves as a motivator for me to get involved in semi-relationships where guys expect for me to spread my legs whenever it suits their needs. I've had sex with 3 males, and I'm only 15... sad, no? I'm not a whore. I know this. But in the "man's world" I am. Why is this? Because I have female genitalia...because I'm feminine...because I have breasts? [Albeit small ones.] It just shakes me up how it is so acceptable for men to sleep around, but if a girl does the same thing - then she is a whore.

I'll never be able to fathom how this came about. It's horrible that I'm so young and having so much sex. True, I cared about each and every one of the people I had sex with, but it makes me feel like a low-class whore admitting how many people I've fooled around with. Jesus...what have I done? I've already had a miscarriage that makes me feel sick just thinking about it. I could have a child. I could be a mother right now, if for some reason I had gone to full term, and my baby would come out "not right" due to my habits? I feel like shit right now, and I fully deserve it. I swear, that whole time I was going through the miscarriage I felt pain all through my stomach, and I had no idea what was going on til this small pitifully clearish-pink fetus came out of me. I mean, it didn't look like a baby, but it certainly felt like one when I looked at it. I'll never forget that.

Then || Now