7:42 p.m. 2005-03-17
i found out today that i'm a sad girl. everything that i did or reacted to was with a frown or a grunt of noncommitted response. i was sitting in english class (i walked in about 50 minutes late, and the teacher was none too happy about it)and brian told me to sit in front of him. i did... then he asked me if steve and i were still not back together. i said "no" and he said "yes!" very sarcastically, and that made me feel somewhat disgusted and -- yes, sad. i suppose it's because i still care very much about steve, and i still don't completely understand why my friends don't. or why they don't want me to care about him.
then i decided that i would drop out of high school next year, and go to Life Skills and hopefully get a part-time job. then later, get my GED. for some reason, my own decision startled me and i wanted to pretend like i didn't want it to happen. like i didn't want to leave high school but i do. i feel unattached from what's going on. everyone has someone else, and i have nobody. people tell me they care about me, but i honestly don't see why. i'm a slacker, i have a negative attitude, and i've hurt alot of people with my words or actions. yet they still say they care. it's mildly confusing and it boggles me how people can still think of me as anything than "that loser that won't go anywhere or do anything with her life"...that's how i think about myself.
maybe that's my problem. who knows anymore? i have so many ups and downs that i don't know which way i'm going. i harbor secret feelings inside, but it seems like everyone can read me. people who i'm not even close to. maybe i'm too sensitive. maybe i'm just not good at pretending. i can't crack jokes without wondering if they're taking it the right way. i used to be able to with ease. but steve ruined that for me, because he told me the other day that i was putting him down. i didn't mean to, but if i tell him that he won't believe me. i don't think he ever truly did. but i can't blame him for what i did, because my actions are my choices and i chose them with a clear mind and a troubled conscience. so i knew what i was doing was wrong. yet i still did it like the fool that i am, and got caught. or told the truth, to be more accurate. he asked me straight out and i told him the truth. i just wish it would have been a different answer, but i couldn't have lied to him. again.
now i'm paying the price that i deserve and it definitely fits the punishment (or so I think), because living without him isn't really living at all. we're still together quite often, but it's not the same. he doesn't see me in the same way, and i can't blame him. i messed up, i did something that i should have never even thought of, but... i did it. and i am left with noone. i'm really pathetic if you think about it. i'm weak, and i could have said no. i could have ran upstairs like a coward and been alot happier with the person i want to be with if i would have just thought about it for two seconds. but that isn't my way. it doesn't matter now, because i can't change what i did, and i can't make him believe that i never meant to hurt him. so what's done is done. i should have never did it, but i did. and i'm sorry. and that's all that i can do. i can apologize and wish and pray that he knows that i won't do it again. "once a cheater always a cheater." i believe that also. but i know that i love him, and want to work it out.
"but alot of things still hurt." he says. baby, i know... i know.
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